Best day ever...

Today was quite possible one of the best days I have had in a long time. Could it have been because I had a wonderful free lunch??? Maybe. I realized today (not for the first time) how much I absolutely love my job. It gives so much freedom to be creative, think, minister to people, accomplish something with an actual purpose, watch students grow, and the list could go on.................................. I know that I could do better and I'm definitely not perfect, but each and every day I get to go to work and do things that I enjoy. How sweet is that??? This morning I could not wait to get to work, cause I had a brilliant idea to share. My job beats the socks off an accounting job any day.

Rejoice! --Shawna

The best place.

It's been 3 weeks to the day since we learned that my mom has cancer. How my life has changed in 3 weeks? I have realized that God has a lot of things to show me and maybe needed to get me out of my comfort zone and begin His work. My family has learned so much already and the journey continues.

My mind has been overtaken by this thought of being in the best place. Because of cancer, I have chosen to be with my mom over some of the daily/routine activities where I seem to find myself. I was encouraged to chose time with mom over a youth trip that had been planned for months. My time with mom was greater than any trip I could ever take. I chose to be available for some hurting friends; it was the best decision. I chose mom this past weekend instead of my usual fun-filled craziness. Mom was the best choice. Why has it taken cancer for me to realize how much I love her and enjoy my time with her. Even in her pain, she still gives so much to me. We had a blast and from time to time she would say, "I just needed my daughter." I experience such joy from hearing things like that. I want to be more open to being in the best place. It seems like I always have multiple options about where to be or what to be doing. I want to chose the best place... right now, I'm working on that!

This week...

My ultimate goal this week is to... cook a decent meal. My roommate and I have been suffering. We need good food. It's like being back in college again, although I pray I never eat ramen noodles again. I'm working on one of my best blogs ever. Look for it soon (like after I tackle my small mountain of schoolwork.)

A Bunch of Random

So much crazy stuff has been going on in my life, so I'm going to share as much as possible, hopefully in order of importance.

• My mom started radiation this week. She is doing pretty good. The spot on her leg where they are doing the radiation is a little swollen, but she seems to be tolerating it quite well. My prayer is that this will completely kill the cancer. I'm going home to visit and take care of her this weekend. I'm kinda excited, I actually miss my mom and I know that she misses me!!
• My best friend's grandfather passed away earlier this week. Today I get to go to a funeral for him. The greatest thing I have realized during this time: It's an incredible thing when you are able to say, "I'm here for you" and actually put those words into action.
• My sis-in-law is having a boy. So that means I will have 2 nephews and 1 niece (exactly like my siblings and me). It will be wonderful... my niece is already so much like me, but probably cooler than I was at 3. I'm excited, and I have to wait till July before he actually arrives.
• **This is not actually important to anyone but me.** I bruised my left leg bone by tripping over a speaker/monitor thingy. It has been a week and it is still quite painful. It's so not fun being a klutz.
• I started my new Master's class for New Testament 2. We went through the book of Galatians on Tuesday night. It was incredible, gave me a whole new love for the book. My professor is so structured and presents things in the most wonderful way. I love it! I expect to learn a lot.
• And last and certainly not least, we are making summer preparations within the ministries that I work with. I'm excited about what God has in store. Our first trip will be Beach Blast with the Middle School students. I absolutely love those kids. I enjoy the planning of these trips, but love when we actually go and get to see the results of all the planning/preparation. God is definitely working in the lives of students and I know that camp will be a life-changing time for some of them.

My randomness is out! My Memphis Tigers have made it to the Sweet 16. I will be cheering them on this evening!!

Your life is not in danger...

After 2 weeks in the hospital, my mom finally received some answers. What was once thought to be a sciatic nerve problem is now a cancerous tumor. After multiple tests, scans, biopsys, etc. she was diagnosed with a cancer called carcinoma. She will undergo radiation for the next 6 weeks. The cancer has not been found anywhere else in her body and the doctors are hopeful that the radiation will shrink and destroy this tumor. My family was completely shocked to take in this news. Cancer always comes to other people and it is so different when it affects your family. We have been affected and by the grace of God we are continuing on. I'm going to use this blog as my outlet for discussing this. My family has been very open about this situation and we talk about it a lot. My parents have incredible faith and I have seen it put to the test in the last week or so. We keep saying that "God is bigger than cancer," and if we say it enough it starts to be a little more believeable. Personally, I have been down a tough road this week. Cancer completely robbed the joy in my life. I hated the thought, the words, and the diagnoses. It is so easy to say things like, "trust God," or "God is working," and it is so much harder to cling to these as your promise when reality is hard. My dad keeps telling me that we say we have this faith, but until it is put to the test does it become refined and strengthened. It goes without saying that my faith is being tested, some days are easier than others. I have chosen to be encouraged and optimistic about the situation, although sometimes my feelings prove to be the opposite. And the title of my post, the doctor said those words before my mom left the hospital last Friday, "Your life is not in danger..." We needed to hear that.

More to come.

What a Week!

I'm blogging from a hospital room. Not me, but my sweet mom is currently residing in the hospital. She has a tumor on her sciatic nerve and will be undergoing surgery early next week. I've spent time every single day at the hospital and I have come to hate being in the hospital. Although, I do appreciate good doctors and nurses. My mom is getting the best care one could imagine and I'm thankful for that.

I had no idea what an emotional wreck this week would make me. I've cried my eyes out more times than I care to count. As I sit here, I can only ponder what God is trying to show me through this time. I'm not sure I've learned it yet. I'm ever reminded of my dependency on God and my lack of control in all situations. I have seen the great faith of my mom and dad. I want to be more like them when it comes to trusting God. They look at this time as an answer to their months of prayer. I feel like I only see a small piece of what they see. I have prayed that God would strengthen and increase my faith. Maybe after this trial is complete, I will be able to look back and see how God was working. In the meantime, I'm still learning.

I met a new friend today. It was an interesting experience. I love meeting new people, especially when conversation comes easy and nothing seems forced. I enjoyed the short time we had a chance to chat. Hopefully, our conversation will continue in the future.

More blogging later. The hospital can get boring real fast. I'm also thankful for best friends, who realize I need some dinner and are more than willing to come and meet my need for food and friendship. My life is sweeter because of them.

My two biggest fears combined:
#1 - That Hillary would become president.
#2 - I will meet my future husband in Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart seems to be the place where guys ask me out. Kinda freaks me out!

My Restless Heart!

My dad asked me on Thursday how's life? I responded with "its some kinda rollercoaster." In January, I feel like God has taken me and shaken me, turned me upside down, stirred my heart, and so much more. How great is my desire to serve Jesus with reckless abandon? How great is the pull of every other thing and person to make me hang on to things that are absolutely worthless? I've been teaching my Sunday School girls, some pretty incredible things of the Old Testament characters of Rahab, Joshua, and Gideon. Each week, I'm challenged by their relationship with God. I loved what God said to Gideon in Judges 7:2, " The people who are with you are too many for Me to give the Midianites into their hands, let Israel claim glory for itself against Me saying, My own hand has saved me." How awesome, God would shrink an army in order to ensure that He would be the only One worthy to receive the glory. Things like this have hit me like a train wreck over the past month.

Then, I have had these wonderful feelings of inadequacy. Yep, me, not knowing the answers. Students come to me hurting and I feel absolutely helpless. One particular girl has become "my project." Because of things in the past, she has lost all faith and trust in God. Sharing Jesus with her is not enough. Talking to her about it would require something that breaks down stone walls. The only answer I have seen is to show her Jesus. How exactly am I gonna do that? I have no idea. I've been challenged to get outside my box of structure and "it's the way I always do things." I have such a heart for people; its not always easy to deal with the heart break that these people present. My dependency on God is becoming an everpresent reality for me.

I've screwed up in so many ways this week. I'm so thankful for forgiveness from God and other people. Yep, definitely a rollercoaster ride. One constant: God is faithful. Always has and always will be. May you see Him working in you as I have seen Him over and over this week.

Rejoice,
Shawna

A Whole Lot of Random!

Wow, almost a month. I stink at blogging! I could probably write a book on the events of the past month, but I will just touch on some highlights. You know how most people get that feeling of post-holiday let down or whatever you call it, I remember experiencing that when I was younger and it was a feeling that led me to Jesus on December 29, 1991. Last week, I celebrated my 15th spiritual birthday! Its something I never want to forget.
Speaking of not forgetting, I had the most memorable shopping trip with my one and only niece, Kate. She's 3 and think she's like 13. I adore her. We went to Target on Saturday afternoon before Christmas in freezing Ohio. It was so much fun. She shops just like me, we look at clothes and then toys. Of course, shopping makes you hungry, so we ended with her favorite snack of popcorn and an icee. We had a lot of fun, just the two of us hanging out. I think I have the advantage over her other aunts, they are all 10+ years older than me.
Actually, I've gotta get going for now. More really soon!!

The Most Wonderful Time...

The Christmas season is here and I absolutely love it, especially the shopping. I get to see my family in less than 2 weeks and I'm pretty excited about that. I greatly miss my nephew and niece. I have not seen them since last Christmas. I can only imagine how much they have changed. I seem to always make the best memories with them. I'm coaching a girls' basketball team for church now, and that has also been so much fun.

The one thing that has consumed my life lately is school and because of it my brain has been fried. The class is Evangelism and Missions. I'm thinking that should be pretty straight-forward with not a lot of new things. I didn't expect to be challenged. I had no idea that some of these ideas would smack me in the face and I wouldn't be able to let go. I love it and I hate it, cause it makes me question things. I want to think outside of the box and not become so accustomed to some of the ideas and traditions that people do because "it has always been done that way." I have read some of the most interesting books and heard some interesting presentations and discussions.

What has plagued me the most is discipleship. Why doesn't the church actively participate in discipleship? Why haven't I ever had the opportunity to be discipled? Would someone really be willing to give up a year of their life and invest it in the life of another? How I would love to be actively involved in discipleship! The idea of digging into the Word of God and feeding off of another's thoughts and ideas. The idea of being transparent and sharing struggles along with the joys of life. It absolutely blows my mind. It is greatly needed in my church and it is greatly needed in my life. I read this book, "The Master Plan of Evangelism" by Robert Coleman. Some of the most fascinating stuff I have ever read, none of the ideas were new. It was about how Jesus took 12 guys and truly discipled them. It continues to blow my mind. Jesus, the ultimate example in all things.

I'm still processing and when I have some answers I may share. Christmas is definitely my favorite because a baby came to save the world. I pray I never get over these words, "Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Saviour who is Christ the Lord."

This Christmas season, may you experience a relationship with the baby who became a Saviour.

Life in the Fast Lane!

I love blogs. A few lately have interested me enough to check them out every day. Sometimes, I read awhile and sometimes I move on. My life seems to go about 90 mph and most days I love it. Lately, it seems that I need reminding to slow down. I got a nasty, ugly reminder last week in the form of shingles. Yes, shingles, the adult version of the chicken pox. I don't remember the chicken pox being as bad as shingles are, but hey I'm a big baby and my tolerance for pain is on the negative level. So, big surprise that I was a big baby for a few days. However, my family is not known for their overwhelming sympathy, so I was forced to complain to other people. If I shared my pain with you, thank you for not slapping me.

October was quite the month. My favorite thing was the girls' retreat that I have the opportunity to plan and put on every year at my church. It pushes my creativity to the limits and stresses me out beyond imagination and I love every single minute of it. Especially when it all comes together for one crazy event. My favorite part was on Saturday when the Moms of these girls came and spent the afternoon. It was so cool and so much fun! I was surprised at their response. It was a blessing for me to just see them playing games, worshipping, and interacting with their daughters. I loved my idea for it, and ended up praying the whole time that it would not be flop. God went above and beyond my wildest expectations. :)

The end of October and the beginning of November is a most special time for me because it means birthday celebrations for my niece and nephew. :) They are a joy and delight to my heart.

Well, I am abruptly going to end this. Next week is Thanksgiving and I have 1 million and 1 things to be thankful for. I will write about them next week. Life is pretty crazy in the fast lane and just for the record, I think that I am enjoying the ride.

Sunflowers

Sunflowers are one of my absolute favorite flowers, so imagine my surprise today when a beautiful bunch of sunflowers were delivered to my office.

They were from my older brother... how random! He's done a lot of great things for me, but never just sent flowers. Turns out that on my birthday almost 2 months ago, he failed to call his one and only sister! He decided to send me flowers on his birthday! So, it was like his cheesy apology, except it ended up being really sweet and cool! :)

Today, I'm thankful for my brothers. Both of them have had birthdays this week and I'm so glad to be able to enjoy life with them. These guys are the best, cause I know that they have my back no matter what. Life wasn't always so great with them growing up. We did our share of fighting and arguing. Nobody will ever pick on me as much as they do!! :) Time has made us completely different people and circumstances have separated us across the miles. This has not hindered the friendships that has developed... I'm so glad for a relationship with each of my brothers. You are definitely the best brothers a girl could ask for... Thanks for the flowers Darryl. That is just like something you would do... Happy Birthday Darryl and Jimbo! I love ya'll and I love being your sister!!!

Except for the people you meet

I was thinking of the old saying that goes something like this, "Five years from now, you will be the same person you are today, except for the books you read and the people you meet." I've meet quite a few people in my life and obviously some have impacted for the positive and others for the negative. I dated a guy for awhile a few years ago and our relationship ended badly. Sometimes, I would catch myself thinking, what was the point of this? I got a little insight into it the other day and needed to share.

Somewhere back in April 2003, I wrote down these words in a journal from Isaiah 42:16, "I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known, I will make the dakrness light before them, And crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, And not forsake them." This was the verse that God used to point my heart in the direction of full-time Christian service. God used this to soften me for the next best thing He desired to show me. I was blindly reaching out for something and God used this verse and this certain guy to show me what He desired in my life. This guy I was dating encouraged me to pursue ministry and 3 years later, I am amazed at the fact that God has chosen to use me.

Today, I am thankful for a failed relationship. Looking back, it is obvious that he the one that God had for me, but I am thankful for the time that we had together. If only for the simple fact that I can look today and see that God was doing something much bigger in my life. I'm so glad that we are different because of the people that God brings into our lives.

More Wonderful

I cannot get this song by Aaron Shust out of my head. I have been listening to it for over a week and everytime I hear it, it makes me smile. I get so wrapped up in myself and my crazy life sometimes. It reminds me to step back and take a look at the greatness of God. My faults are great and still God chooses to love. Kinda overwhelms me and I love it. Enjoy these words! I certainly have!

God of unending grace,
I come to You on my face
I need to hear You speak to me,
Won't You make me new right now

God of omnipotent power,
visit us in this hour
And may we leave here changed
because we've met with You, God

You've been more wonderful to me
than I could have ever imagined
You've shown more love than
I could show in a thousand years
And although it seems at times
like it all means nothing to me
You gotta know that I love You
You gotta know that I need You

God of wisdom and love,
settle down from above
Give us all a taste of what
Your Holy Spirit can do

Time and time again we've betrayed,
but our debt's already been paid
And all that leaves me wanting
is to live for you, God

When the world crashes down around me
I know You'll be there to pull me out from the rubble
When my enemy surrounds and I call on your name
You'll be there to deliver me from my troubled soul

Rescue me from all my selfish ways
and thoughts and deeds and plans
Lead me in the everlasting way
and I will follow you there

September 11, 2001

This date will forever be etched in my memory. I believe it is to my generation what the assassination of JFK was to my parent's generation or the attack on Pearl Harbor to my grandparent's generation.

I remember everything about September 11th. I was on my way to school and I heard it on the radio. It seemed like some kind of crazy accident. It was not until I got to school that I would realized the great tragedy of the events that occurred. Who in the world would do something to our country? My mind asked all kinds of questions as I sat watching a row of tv screens. First, the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and finally Pennsylvania. What was going on in my country where I had always felt so safe?

My first two classes were cancelled and I waited around for my noon class, not sure what to do. My older brother was in Florida for work with no way to return back to Ohio. His voice was definitely the most comforting that day. I was also concerned for my extremely pregnant sis-in-law, and later found out that she was staying at her parents house. I remember the feeling that I just needed to hear the voice of those people that I loved.

My last class of the day was Music Appreciation. My professor decided that we were not going to accomplish anything, so he let us go. My professor was also my piano teacher and that day was my day for a lesson. I went like normal, but without the focus and confidence that I usually possessed. I sat down at the piano and started to play. I have no idea what I played but I played for over an hour. Occasionally, my teacher would play along with me and sometimes he would just sit there. He gave no corrections or suggestions. He just let me play. I had never played with such power and emotion. I was looking for something good to come out of this horrible day and for me, it was music.

I was thinking about Job last week. His story in the Bible intrigues me everytime I read it. In the first chapter after he has lost everything, he fell to the ground and worshipped. I had the opportunity to do that on September 11, 2001. The music I played had nothing to do with me. It was my act of worship.

It's Been Awhile

waiting room by shane barnard
i will run when i cannot walk
i will sing when there is no song
i will pray when there is no prayer
i will listen when i cannot hear

sitting in the waiting room of silence
waiting for that still soft voice i know
offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord i know if i change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
so i sit in the waiting room of silence

cause its all about You
i will fight when i cannot feel
i will trust when You dont seem real
i will tell when i cannot speak
i will step when i cannot see

Pimples!

Alrighty! Well, it is the eve of my 25th birthday and currently I am pondering, why in the world do I still get zits? I mean God and time are revealing to me that I am growing up, but exactly when will I grow out of getting these horrible disgusting pimples? Yuck, well, anyway! :)

On to better things, like 25 years! Wow, what was God thinking to bless my life with 25 crazy years? I have already been given some great gifts and had the opportunity to spend some time with some of my favorite people. This past weekend, it was all about my immediate family in Jonesboro. I got to hang out with Mom and Dad, but mostly Jim. He is a crazy kid, and will forever be one of my favorite people in the world. By the end of the weekend, we had a list of "only in Arkansas" jokes. He is so much fun! I'm so thankful for him. Hopefully, he will not keep the birthday tradition and call at 12:05 a.m. Jim calls as early as possible and Darryl, my older brother, will probably call around 11:00 p.m. Oh, they are great!

I wish I could reflect on 25 years, but my mind is tired. I leave with this thought. I am reminded of I John 3:1, "Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God..." How awesome! The Father's love is more than enough and by accepting it, we receive the title 'Children of God!' How exciting!

Changes!

Wow, where do I even begin? This last month of my life has just completely flown by, did I even stop for 2 seconds to take a break! I don't really feel like I did. Just to highlight some of the high points: one of my roommates left for a 2 year teaching job in Mexico - I miss you, Teri. My other roommate and I moved out of our apartment into her parent's house before we move into our new apartment. My sis-in-law turned 30. I went to Middle School Camp. I have done some other things in the meantime as well, like drink a lot of coffee, shop, listen to music, sleep, clean, shower... and the list goes on. I turn 25 next week and I'm definitely not sure if I am looking forward to that or not! Why are changes so stinkin hard? Doesn't make sense to me!!!

One thing that has been constant is my Sunday School class. I moved up with my 6th grade girls from last year, who are now 7th graders. I have been challenged in a new way to make the Word of God exciting and fun as we grow together in our faith. This year, I'm teaching on Old Testament characters. I'm sure that I will learn a lot!! I'm excited about them and teaching them!

In these past few weeks I have encountered some really interesting things in God's Word. I have been challenged and encouraged with different passages, but keep going back to one of my favorites. "The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save: He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17) I love this!!!!!! What an encouragement and joy!

I promise to share more later! I'm enjoying the Beth Moore study on Daniel. I highly recommend checking it out!

All for now--

Impressed Much!

It has been awhile. I spent a week at camp and then life was just a little crazy on the return. I completed an incredible class on Christian Leadership. I learned so much. I hope it sticks around in my head a little longer to actually put into practice in my everyday life.

Camp was the most incredible thing for me and the point of this blog. Lately, not many things have impressed me. I haven't been impressed by any guy in awhile (sad, but true). I think I have even failed to impress myself... the whole do whatever it takes to get by mentality or something. (I personally hate it!) So, this was my attitude until camp.

I heard a quote by the speaker, JR Vasser, that was something like this, "Jesus has become something common to us that He ceases to impress us." This clicked with me completely. I have always done the church thing and participated in everything, and somewhere along the way Jesus has become common to me. How can Someone who came to earth as man, yet was still God become common??? The text for the week was from Philippians 2:5-11. Check it out, it has always been one of my favorites, but this week I saw it in a completely different light! The wonderful work of the cross, the involvement in my everyday life, the glorious grace that is mine, the mediator of my prayers... HOW DOES THIS NOT IMPRESS ME? I hate rude awakenings, reality checks, and conviction. I got it all.

The God of the universe does not have to, but He chooses to love me. That thought greatly impresses me!!!

Not An Ordinary Day

This week, I have seen pretty much all of my family that lives anywhere near me. I took my mom & dad out for their anniversary on Thursday night! On Friday night, my little bro, Jimbo came for a visit. We hung out for most of the weekend and he left this afternoon. I don't get to see them too often, so I enjoy it. I especially appreciate it when they come to see me.

I've been challenged a lot lately with the Word of God, and it would be an understatement to say that I have been convicted. I feel like God is trying to open up my brain and stuff a ton of things in there that I need to learn, but haven't gotten yet. I've been really challenged not to live my life out as a mediocre Christian. What do I mean by that? I think I have become comfortable in my Christianity, and instead of striving to be more like Jesus, I have settled. I am complacent and I don't want to be. After attempting to do something about it on my own, I gave it to the only One who can change me. This has now become my heart's cry... "God please don't let me be satisfied with my walk with you, but desire you more than ever before."

Here's the verse that is stuck in my head, "For I will not dare to speak of any of those things which Christ has not accomplished through me, in word and deed..." (Romans 15:18)