On February 15, 2013, we confirmed the exciting news that we were pregnant. I'm pretty sure I have never seen Adam so overjoyed at such wonderful news. We had believed it to be true, but something about the Doctor or Nurse saying it to you, just makes it so much better! Adam was overjoyed. I was excited and freaked out all at the same time. It was a few days of telling our family and close friends of the exciting news.
In the early morning hours of February 22, our excited hearts were broken as I miscarried our sweet child. I remember waking up after a horrible night of trying to rest and hoping that this was just a terrible dream. It was not. Our day was spent in grief and tears... I could not control the crying. Yes, my body hurt, but the pain of my heart was far worse.
At the Doctor that day, I was overwhelmed by the compassion and kindness of each medical person we encountered. I know they see this kind of thing often, and it is part of their job, but it was like they shared in our grief and understood how our hearts hurt. I'm truly thankful for that and want to follow their example when God places people in my life who need compassion.
My heart immediately went to the book of Psalms. It seems to be the place where I turn for comfort. God's Servant, David, experienced great loss and grief during his life. I know that all the Psalms are not written by him, but a majority of them are. "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Ps. 34:18). That was me. I was brokenhearted and my spirit was crushed, but the Lord was definitely near.
I have this awesome resource that I use often called a journaling Bible. It has lines on the outside of both pages for journaling. I love it and use it often, just as I read Scripture. One of my favorite things to do is look back on things that I wrote a year ago or even a few years ago just to see how God was using His Word to speak to my heart.
Psalm 77 spoke to my heart like it had never before...
I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah. You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, “Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.” Then my spirit made a diligent search: “Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah Then I said, “I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah. When the waters saw you, O God, when the waters saw you, they were afraid; indeed, the deep trembled. The clouds poured out water; the skies gave forth thunder; your arrows flashed on every side. The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind; your lightnings lighted up the world; the earth trembled and shook. Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
This is what I wrote in my journaling Bible... "Day after our miscarriage. Verse 13 reminded me that the Lord knows what is best. 'What God is great like our God?' reminded that there is no one like Him. He is above all things and knows all things. For that I will praise Him, even during this time when my heart hurts. He has not forgotten and He has not forsaken. His steadfast love has been felt and continues to be displayed."
Chapter 77 ends with showing how the Lord worked in the life of His people in the Old Testament and Chapter 78 continues to show this picture with how God responded when His people rebelled against him and how He continued to work in their lives. It encourages us to "tell the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and His might, and the wonders that He has done." (v. 4)
As my heart grieves over what has been lost in our life. I am reminded of the great things that God has done, whether in the past that I can see in Scripture or in my own personal life. I'm thankful for the short time God blessed us with our unborn child. Even though we were not able to see this precious child outside the womb, we did a see heartbeat and know that God had blessed us with a little life. While he or she was unknown to us, he or she is perfectly known by God. The glorious deeds of the Lord have been displayed, because of His work, I can and will rejoice.