Name Changes.

The time is close and Adam & I are getting married in a few days!! To say that we are excited is a big understatement! As of now, I am not nervous. I believe that God is sovereign and He has known that Adam & I were to be married, and all the when and how of each part of it! These past few days have been a little surreal for me as I think about God's timing, perfect plan, and the vows we will make before God. This is real life and I am thankful to be able to trust the Author!

My name has been Shawna Joy Kelly since the beginning of my time. I was actually supposed to be named Melody Joy, which sounds like a singer's name (which I am not.) I was named after a girl in the church my Mom & Dad had attended and I'm pretty happy with what Mom & Dad chose.

Even though marriage was not in the picture when Mom was alive, we talked about it a LOT. Mostly Mom would tell me that I needed to find a Godly guy first, and then we could begin planning. She was a realist. I needed that. My plan was always to become Shawna Kelly ........ I would keep the Kelly and drop the Joy in my name. My mom had a different plan. She wanted the Kelly dropped and the Joy kept. She was pretty adamant about it and even expressed it to my aunts when she was in the hospital. They made some kind of promise to her to make sure it happened as she wanted! :)

So, this Saturday, March 10, I will honor my Mom and keep the Joy (and keep my aunts from having to get on to me). My name change will actually be Shawna Joy Johnson, which I am quite excited about! In just a small way, it honors the memory of my Mom. She will be greatly missed on this special day, but I am so thankful that she now experiences the joys of Heaven.  

"The memory of the righteous is a blessing..." -Proverbs 10:7a

A Challenge to Finish...

I love reflecting on the year past and making goals for the new year! It may have to do with my overwhelming desire to make lists and more lists. I've been thinking a lot about my reading habits and how they have quickly diminished since I finished my Master's Degree. Now, it is easier to play on Pintrest or watch Netflix instead of sitting down with a good book. I'm also the worst at starting a book and getting about halfway through and not finishing. I hate that. I do realize that some books are probably not worth the time, but a lot of of books out there are. My challenge to myself this upcoming year with my daily Bible reading and a stack of books is going to be to finish these things I start.

The Bible reading plan is not a set-in-stone plan, but just something that has worked for me in the past. I will read 1 chapter of Proverbs, 1 chapter of Psalms, and probably 2 Old Testament and 2 New Testament chapters. I have a check off thing as I go through the chapters, so I'm not too concerned about reading the books in a certain order or within a certain time frame. If I decide to spend some extra time in an Old Testament book, I'm good with that and want to have that freedom. I've also got two girls I'm studying with for discipleship things, so most of my indepth study on a passage will probably come from that.

Here's my book list for 2012. I have picked 11, my goal is 1 book a month. (I'm sure another book will come out in 2012 that I want to read). It doesn't seem like much, but I haven't started and finished 11 books in a long time. The list is not really in any particular order except I will be starting with the first one on the list. I have heard excellent reviews about it and want to read it!

1. The Meaning of Marriage - Tim & Kathy Keller
2. A Proverbs Drive Life - Selvaggio
3. Let Me Be Woman - Elizabeth Elliot
4. A God Entranced Vision of All Things - John Piper & Justin Taylor
5. A Praying Life - Paul Miller
6. A Chance to Die - Elizabeth Elliot
7. Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy - Metaxas
8. Screwtape Letters - C.S. Lewis
9. All of Grace - Charles Spurgeon
10. Faith on Trial - Martin Lloyd Jones
11. Heaven & Hell - Jonathan Edwards
12. TBD


The best thing is that I (or Adam) have all of these books. So, I am not purchasing any new books yet, but just reading ones that we have!

Update: I started this blog on 12/29/2011... It is now, January 6... Already I am failing at finishing things!!
Maybe I will share my New Year's Resolutions next, we shall see how well I follow through! :)

Your Ultimate Fear

I'm still going through this book called Whiter Than Snow by Paul David Tripp. It has been one of the most challenging things I have read with such continual focus on sin and the need for grace. Meditation 32 is called 'Your Ultimate Fear.' The title captured me right away. I live with way more worry and fear in my life than I should. I say that I trust that God is in control, yet continually try to do my own thing. I would like to just give a cliff notes version of this reading:

"Cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me." -Psalm 51:11 This should be our greatest fear in all of life, but is it?

She had it all and maybe that's why she was so afraid. Everything she had was nicer than she ever thought would be hers. But morning after morning she'd sit there and worry. She'd worry about her marriage, finances, children, and health. She even worried about natural disasters.


Something very significant had happened to her, and she didn't even know it. The very things for which she'd been so grateful, the very things she once though she didn't deserve, had morphed into things that she was convinced she couldn't live without. What she had once greeted with surprised gratitude were now the sources of major anxiety. The things that had once seemed out of place in her life had become the very things that defined her life. And so she lived with fear. 


Something else had changed. The thing that was meant to define her life, and that once did, no longer defined her. There had been a time when everything in her life was defined and evaluated by her relationship with God. There was time when she greeted God's grace with a surprised gratefulness. Now these thoughts were no longer center stage. No longer would she identify herself as a sinner, rescued by grace. No longer did she get her meaning, purpose, and sense of well-being from the Lord. That once heartfelt and wholesome question, "Where would I be without the Lord?" had been replaced by the question of how she'd cope with the loss of any one item in her personal catalog of material things. 


But I didn't think long about David or about my friend, because my mind turned to me. What is the thing in the world for which I'm the most thankful? The loss of what thing do I fear the most? The existence of what in my life gives me meaning, purpose, and that inner sense of well-being?"


Questions to ponder:
1. Be honest: what is it that brings the most fear into your heart?
2. What things in your life are you convinced that you cannot live without? Pray for a heart that is so fully satisfied with God that you are able to be content with what He has placed in your life. 

These words have to cut to my heart these past couple of days. I've been thinking about some of the resolutions I made for 2011. One of them was this - I desired to learn what it means to be content with God and what He has provided. So often during 2011, I have failed in being satisfied in God. I was challenged with one of my favorite verses of Scripture over the weekend, "You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." (Psalm 16:11). Oh that my greatest fear would be to not experience the fullness of joy that comes from His presence! I need it and want to be fully satisfied in Him alone. 

“The enjoyment of God is our highest happiness, and is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows; but God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams. But God is the ocean.”
― Jonathan Edwards

Where Your Treasure Is...

Today is my Mom's birthday. She would have been 67 years old. A little over 3 years ago, God chose to allow my Mom to enjoy the continual celebration and joy of Heaven. Who needs a birthday there, right? 3 years ago this day was so hard, but today, it is not so much. I miss Mom, but I do not miss cancer and seeing her suffer. I can only imagine that she is so much better off than she ever was here on earth. As I think of her, my thoughts normally go to what she taught me (or how I failed to learn more cooking skills from her.)
One of her favorite verses was found in Matthew 6. Verse 21 says this, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." It helps to back up a few verses to see this short verse in a little more context, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21). My family did not have a lot when I was growing up. We were fed, clean, and taken care of, but did not have money for extras or fancy things. As my brothers and I like to talk about, we ate the generic brand of most foods along with a lot of hot dogs and mac 'n cheese. We were loved by two parents and cared for, so I am thinking the extra stuff didn't matter too much and I would say that we had a great childhood!
On more than one occasion as Mom was teaching truth from God's Word, she would make sure to say that she was more concerned about storing up treasure in Heaven than here on this earth. She wanted her kids to know about Jesus, she wanted the students she taught to know about God's love for them, and even the many people that she encountered in her Tupperware business knew about Mom's relationship with the Lord and had probably heard the Gospel from her. She spent a LOT of time talking to people. (I get my love for talking on the phone from her.) I think her heart was better focused on eternal things than most people I have encountered, although I believe she did a pretty good job living in the moments that God blessed her with here. 
As Mom neared death, we saw even more clearly and frequently where her treasure really was. We knew she loved us and cared deeply for her family, but she knew she was going to see Jesus. The things that she had worked hard to accomplish in life paled in comparison to her relationship with Jesus and wanting to make sure those she loved knew Him. She talked to so many people in those last few days. She was going to see Jesus. He was truly her treasure! 
I am unsure of what all Mom had accomplished for the Kingdom in her life, God knows. I am so thankful for her example. I know that I am challenged, especially around Christmas time, to not dwell so much on the things that "moth and rust destroy" or what thieves desire to steal. I'm sure that Heaven's greatest treasure will be experiencing Jesus for all eternity. For now, I pray that God will give me opportunities to further His kingdom and store up treasures in Heaven. I don't want my heart clinging to the things of this world, when what God has promised is so much greater!


What can I do
How can I live
To show my world
The treasure of Jesus
What will it take
What could I give
So they can know
The treasure He is

And if I can sing
Let my songs be full of His glory
If I can speak
Let my words be full of His grace
And if I should live or die
Let me be found pursuing this prize
The One that alone satisfies
The treasure of Jesus
-Treasure of Jesus, Steven Curtis Chapman

The Story - Part 1

**the other half of the relationship has already approved this blog**


As of Saturday, October 1st at sometime after 5pm, I became an engaged woman. So many have asked me for the engagement story. It is truly one to blog about because I think it is the best engagement story ever, but I'm not biased - just stating opinion. However, with all good stories, you never start at the middle or the end. 

For the past year and a few months, I feel like I have been living in someone else's story. Yet, when I think about Who writes and fashions the story for each of our lives, I should not be surprised that my loving Heavenly Father would bless me with more than I could have ever expected or dreamed. 

Adam and I have known each other for 8+ years. He was probably 16 or 17 when we met, which would have made me 20 or 21. (Que the old woman jokes.) We were not really friends, but I did talk to him and things like that. We just ran in different social circles. He was totally into music from the time I met him to this day actually. My musical talent and ability can probably fit into my thumbnail, maybe... I'm incapable of keeping rhythm. Yep, we are a good match. When people at our church found out of Adam's music talent he began playing for everything Youth Ministry related. This in turn caused girls to swoon over him. If I had nickel for every time a girl said to me, "I want a guy who plays guitar and sings..." I would have a lot of nickels. For years, I gave Adam a hard time about this. Now, I like to say to him, "I like you cause you play the guitar and sing..." He loathes that. 

Anyway, that's not the story. We were friends and co-workers and that was about it, until June of last year. I'm not exactly sure when it all started. We would hang out with groups of people and at the end of the time, we would be the last ones left. This would lead to some good conversations and then we would leave. The conversations continued over text messaging late into the night. (Yes, sometimes dating even as adults is kinda like high school.) I lost a lot of sleep in the first few weeks of his pursuing. Adam asked a lot of good questions and I guess I answered a few them correctly. We were in a long, boring meeting one Tuesday night and he sent me a text, "Want to get some food?" Most guys would say something sweet like, "You look nice or... something." He got right to the heart of the matter by appealing to me with food. My text back was "Sure." We went a bit away from our area of town to get food at a Wendy's. Super duper romantic, right? It was a bit awkward and fun all at the same time. I remember him opening my door for me and I was thinking, "This is strange, but I like it!" There were quite a few more awkward moments, but that's part of the fun, I think. Little did I know that a sovereign God was orchestrating in my life what I had resisted for so long. 

For the first few months of our relationship, we kept it on the downlow (DL). Our families knew and my roomies were aware, but we had decided that we didn't want to make a big deal about it. After a couple of weeks, it seemed like this was going to be the real deal. I'm sure I was the one who became attached quite quickly (Adam prefers to use the term smitten when referring to my feelings.) Normally, relationships involve some type of risk. Adam was definitely worth the risk. From the very beginning, God has given peace in my heart about him. One of my constant desires for the man I would marry is that there would be time to see his character and those around me would confirm that he was a Godly man with integrity. Despite his flaws/sin (which we all have), Adam has proven himself to be faithful in his walk with Christ. I did not need friends to affirm his character, I had seen it for many years. However, I was thankful for the encouragement from so many family and friends that our relationship seemed to be something the Lord had done and not anything we tried to manipulate.

Without a doubt, this past year + has been the best of my life. We have learned a lot about each other and have hopefully grown closer to the Lord in the process. The story is not over Part 2 has just begun. Stay tuned. 

Unfailing Love

I have been a blog slacker... Please forgive me. Sometimes life is busy and a bit tiring.
I'm still reading through the book Whiter than Snow by Paul David Tripp.

This is Meditation 17 entitled Unfailing Love

For You would not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. -Psalm 51:16

I wish I would live with You in view;
Eyes to Your glory
Ears for Your wisdom
Heart for Your grace.
But I live with me in view.
Eyes to my kingdom
Ears to my opinion
Heart captured by my will.
I know I was made for You,
I know that Hope
Meaning
Purpose
Identity
My agenda for every day,
Is to be found in You.
But I want my own kingdom
I love my own glory
I define my own meaning
I delight in my control.
I know You are not fooled
By my burnt offerings.
There's a war that never ends;
The battleground is my heart.
It's a moral skirmish
Between what You have ordained
And what I want.
So I don't find pleasure in Your glory,
I don't delight in Your law.
But my heart doesn't rest;
I know there's a better way.
I know You are God
And I am not.
My sin is more than
Bad behavior
A bad choice
Wrong words.
My sin is a violation of the relationship
That I was meant to have with You.
My sin is an act
Where I replace You
With something I love more.
Every wrong thing I do
Reflects
A lack of love for You,
Reflects
A love of self.
Help me
To see
To acknowledge
To weep
And say,
"Against You, You only have I sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight."
And then help me to rest
In Your mercy
In Your tender mercy
In Your faithful love,
Even as the war goes on.

-Paul David Tripp, Whiter Than Snow, pp. 59-60

Romans 7.

Taking a break for a minute to share with you something I read last night. I am using the book Whiter Than Snow - Meditations on Sin and Mercy by Paul David Tripp for discipleship. This has definitely been one of those books that have bothered me with some conviction. My two favorite things about this book are: the close look at Psalm 51 and a presentation of the right view of God along with the right view of man. I have a tendency to think of myself better than I really am and bring God down to my level. I desire to have a right view of Him and His holiness.

Anyway, Paul David Tripp has 52 "meditations" in the book. Each meditation is a little different style. Some are stories along with the Scripture. Others are almost like poetry, this is one of those. 

Meditation 11 - Romans 7
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! -Psalm 51:2

"I am a mass of contradictions; I don't want to be but I am.
I preach a gospel of peace, but my life isn't always driven by peace. 
I talk about Jesus who alone can fully satisfy the soul, but I am often not satisfied.
I celebrate a theology of amazing grace, but I often react in ungrace. 
And if I rest in God's control, why do I seek it for myself?
Even in moments when I think I am prepared, I end up doing what I didn't want to do.
Irritation
Impatience
Envy
Discontent
Wrong talk
Anger
Self-focus
Are not the fruit of the new life, are not the way of grace.
So there is this law operating inside of me.
When I step out with a desire to do good, evil follows me wherever I go.
There is this war that rages inside of me, between a desire to do good and sin that is anything but good.
There are times when I feel like a prisoner, held against my will.
I didn't plan to be mad in the grocery store, but that guy made me mad.
I didn't plan to be discontent, but it just enveloped me in the quietness of the car. 
That discussion wasn't supposed to degenerate into an argument, but it did.
I'm thankful for God's grace, but there is daily evidence that I'm still in need of help.
That battle inside me cannot be solved by
Theology
Strategies
Principles
Techniques
Plans
Preparation
Helpful hints
Outlines.
I have been humbled by a war I cannot win.
I have been grieved by desires I cannot conquer.
I have been confronted by actions I cannot excuse.
And I have come to confess that what I really need is resuce.
So, have mercy on me, O God,
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions
Wash away all my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions
And my sin is always before me.
I embrace the rescue that could only be found in You.
Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!"


-Whiter Than Snow: Meditations on Sin and Mercy, Paul David Tripp, pp. 43-44